One foot in two worlds

Three years ago, I left for Brazil and lived four months that are unlike any season in my life. I didn't choose Brazil, per se, as I was applying to serve overseas...all I knew was that I ached to be in the presence of sufferring and, in that, find true life. I can't explain it much better than that; it was a yearning that came from deep within my spirit. Like many who have had similar experiences, I found that it was the children, teens, and adults who made their home on the streets of Rio de Janeiro that breathed new life into me. It was these people who crossed my path that gave new meaning to Jesus' words, "For theirs is the Kingdom..." When I was in their presence, it felt natural to celebrate simplicity, sufferring, humility, and brokenness. It felt comfortable to sit on their stained blankets and play cards. It felt like authentic community sharing sandwiches and milk.

Yet the social worker deep within also longed to provide something more, which led me home to the US to pursue a master's degree. I didn't know if that would eventually take me back overseas, butI felt a strong heartbeat to link people with resources that would equip them to live abundant lives. I was passionate about justice, reconciliation, and God's heart for the poor. However, as wonderful and impressive as a Master's degree is, I feel terribly distant from sitting on a dirty blanket with people who are hurting. Yes, I experience some degree of solidarity as my clients sit across from me and share their stories through words and pictures, but all the while I have to maintain "boundaries" and "professionalism" through my terminology and pressed khakis. On top of that, I have a longing not for simplicity and sufferring, but for a comfortable condo decked out by Crate & Barrel.

I went to Dennis with these heavy thoughts the other night and asked him why it was so simple to live one way in Brazil and another way in the US. He thought about it for awhile and made a helpful observation--in Brazil, I was a learner; although I was not technically poor, I was in a position where the poor had something to offer me...I was in a humble position in which I had to rely on the community around me. In contrast, I am now in a position of knowledge and power. I can be encouraged by my clients' courage and resilience, but in reality, I don't need them...they come to my office needing me. Ick! That isn't what I got another degree for, but I'm seeing how even I have been deceived by the prestige of education. I have come to value something that isn't necessarily of the Kingdom...

So I recognize this, which is good. But what steps do I take to change it? How do I begin to celebrate the things that I once loved but have come to despise? Moving back to Brazil or any other country certainly isn't the answer. God wants me to celebrate humility, simplicity, submission, and brokenness REGARDLESS of where I'm at. He wants me celebrate the things of His heart whether I'm in plenty or in want; a teacher or a learner; in formal ministry or a profession. I'd covet your prayers, reflections, and wisdom in this time...