My mom said that from the time I was a small child, she would check on me late at night and find me wide awake, deep in thought. She never knew what I was thinking about but said that my mind never turned off. Not much has changed in my 24 years of life. I can still go to bed exhausted, yet lay awake for hours thinking about life-people, places, and why things happen as they do.
My mom also tells me that my favorite word from the time I could speak was "why." Most people learn how to use this word in moderation as they transition out of their early childhood, but I surprisingly have not. I ask questions as simple as, "why is that person driving so slow?" and as boggling as,"why do some people suffer more than others?" This is just a sampling of what runs through my mind on an hourly/daily basis.
Another question I tend to ask quite often is, "What if (fill in the blank)?" This type of question gets me in more trouble than simply asking "why?" It completely messes with my state of contentment and causes me to think there is only one right decision for everything. I can't even count the number of times I have asked myself "what if I would have (alternate option I didn't choose)? Did I make the wrong choice? Am I straying from my life's purpose?" The list goes on and on. This question has been especially relevant since starting my new job a few weeks ago. At the time I accepted the job offer, I was choosing between two jobs; weighing out the pros and cons of each. I was terrified of making the WRONG decision. And even now, I am wrestling with the decision I made. It's terrible. And I can think of oodles and caboodles of other times in my life where I've felt a similar way.
I was talking with my hair stylist back in the beginning of May and she was telling me that God's peace accompanies every right decision she has made. I became sad as I realized that my constant analysis/anxiety prevents me from experiencing the peace that God longs for me to have. I long to be a person that takes great ownership of my decisions and finds contentment and gratitude in them. I long to run freely and wildly down this path before me and never once look back. I want to replace my "what if" with a joyful "thank you." Most of all, I want to be a lover of life...whatever that entails.
So for today, I choose to be thankful... And I hope this finds each of you feeling the same...
2 comments:
I struggle with this as well, Em. I found Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer very helpful. You should check it out. I would love to chat and catch up. I am available pretty much all the time, so please call me when it is most convenient for you!
Love you!
Rachel
I loved this post Em, so real and I know I can identify. Choose JOY! is what my mom always says but sometimes I think I need wall words or another wooden sign to remind me. Or maybe just a friend like you.
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